Confession Time

I've been really depressed the past 6 weeks or so, like seriously depressed. Some days I don't get dressed, I don't put on make up or do my hair, sometimes I even go several days between showers. I park my ass in front of the TV and just watch whatever is on, I haven't been cooking, my kids have been eating a lot of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and mac and cheese. I've pretty much turned into a shitty mom and a shitty wife. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere, I just want to sit and wallow in my own misery.

My husband is a big fan of tough love and he's been working on me getting out of my slump for awhile now, trying to get me to go to the doctor, meet some new friends, join a yoga class, anything but I wouldn't bite. I've been too depressed to show any kind of initiative.

The truth of it is that I am miserable here, there is nothing to do, I have no friends and I just want to move back to Texas...or anywhere that is not here. The problem is that we are stuck here for at least another year, maybe longer because Luis has a profile from the cancer. I can't be like this for another year, my kids and my husband deserve better than that so I guess I finally decided to get out of my slump.

Yesterday I applied to the university here in town and I finally feel excited about something. I thought back to January of 2007 when J and I applied to go to college at Fort Hood and I felt like it was going to take me forever to get my degree, I thought it would take me 10 years to get my bachelors degree but here I am, two years later, and halfway there. They have an art program at this school and besides one class, all I have left is art classes. I can spend the next 2 years doing art, something I really love, AND I can get my degree, I am beyond excited.

When I dropped out of college and got married when I was 20 I know my parents probably gave up on me ever graduating from college but I will be so proud of myself when I get my degree and I know they will be ecstatic too. I'm just happy that going to school still makes me happy.

Another Snow Day...Again.

This morning I attempted to go sledding with my kids.

We have no sleds so this took a little imagination.

We started out with the top to a rubbermaid storage bin, that didn't work.

Then, we tried a flat piece of cardboard, that didn't work either.

Luckily some kids from down the street showed up with a boogie board and it was kick ass...you know, for a tiny little hill...well, it was more like a ditch.


So, apparently 3 snow days isn't enough for us, we get another one tomorrow. I guess we have a bunch of morons here that can't drive on 3 day old snow. I am happy though, all this time at home has made me finally get off my ass and clean my freakin' house. Now that I have cleaned though, I have nothing more to do tomorrow so I'm thinking of bathing all the dogs...or maybe I'll blog something worthwhile...don't hold your breath.

Allison and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Today is a craptastic day. Not only am I sick but so is my husband and Nicholas. Nicholas was up all night unable to sleep and so he did what any 5 year old would do instead, he brushed his teeth. I'm not kidding, I found his toothbrush on his pillow when I finally told him to get into my bed. My kid is a total weirdo!

Today sucks for various other reasons as well.

Last week a pipe busted and flooded Sophia's room, we had to quickly remove EVERYTHING from her room (most of which is now in the living room, hallway and our safe room, God please no tornadoes right now), the pipe has been fixed but we've been waiting on the carpet guys to come out. They finally made it out today, a week later, and it's still going to be a few days till they can get it done.

As if that isn't bad enough, Sophia's doctor still hasn't scheduled her VCUG and so I've been on the phone all morning trying to figure out when the hell they are going to torture my daughter. The only good news that goes with that is if she does have kidney reflux (I'm pretty sure that is what they called it) like they think, there is a doctor in Oklahoma City that can do the procedure without making any incisions to her abdomen, so yay for that.

Oh yeah, the best news of all: my mom is coming to visit again in February...for Valentine's Day!

Don't you wish you were as lucky as me?

I've won the UK lottery like 10 times, 3 times today alone.

Don't worry, I won't forget the little people.

Get off your high horse.

I had a conversation with my mother this morning and we started talking about me when I was younger. One of my aunts is having problems with her daughter doing drugs and such and my mom has decided to give her advice because she seems to think she is a fountain of knowledge.

My aunt apparently told my mother that I used to get high everyday in high school, this is a complete lie. So, my mother called me asking if it was true, of course I told her it was not. I did however make sure she knew I got high all the time (never daily) in college.

My mother very smugly said, "I told her you didn't smoke weed in high school." When she does things like that it makes me want to knock her down a few notches. Just so she didn't think that she was this perfect mother (which she often does) I made sure to mention that I did have sex with several guys in high school. Am I cruel?

I just can't stand it when she tries to give advice to my aunt and says that she doesn't know what to tell her because her kids were so good. It really pisses me off because it is so not true, we were just smart and never got caught. When I was young my mom used to tell me that "it is the good kids that always get caught," I think this was her way of trying to deter me from being bad. It ended up just making me cautious and confirming that I was not a "good kid."

Hope

I'm so excited to be an American right now, I'm so proud of our country and our citizens, I was skeptical, I didn't think enough people would set aside their prejudices, or maybe it was that I thought more people out there were prejudice? Either way, I was wrong and I was so happy that I was.

I'm so happy that Dr. Martin Luther King's dream has finally been realized and for that I feel like this day has more meaning, this year it is extra special. Tomorrow our first ever black president will be sworn in and I have never been so excited about the future of our nation.

These are scary times right now and with this new chapter beginning I truly feel hope. I feel like we, as a country, will again start to live up to our reputation. I don't want to criticize the past but use it as a tool and look to the future...a very bright future.

Facebook, schmacebook.

Over the holidays my cousin Meredith, the most wonderful cousin in the whole wide world (that should keep her from leaving comments about how I don't love her), got me to make a facebook page.

I used to have a myspace page but I got tired of it and deleted it around the same time I deleted my blog, myspace was useless and the one person that I really wanted to find on there could not be found. I got several invites to join facebook from my family (including my mother, weird!) but I never did anything about it until Meredith made me because she was bored one night.

Well, I'm really glad I did because today I finally found who I was looking for and the funny thing is I wasn't even looking for her when I found her. I was looking at a friend from high school's album and saw a picture of my best friend and me and she had commented on the picture. She's married (which I figured since I couldn't locate her with the last name I knew) and she lives in Houston and next time I go down there I'm going to see her.

We haven't talked in a long time, we got into a fight in the middle of senior year and ended up going our separate ways and never talking again. It was sad because we were inseparable up until senior year, we had gone to school together since 2nd grade and became very close when we both ended up at Bellaire High School. We spent the night almost every weekend together, hell, she went on vacation with my family to Costa Rica. I've missed her a lot and I regretted the way things ended with us and it was nice to hear from her today and know she feels the same way.

So, maybe facebook isn't as bad as I thought it was.

"Mountain" Climbing

We have this really funny thing here called "The Wichita Mountains" the funny thing about them is that they are the tiniest "mountains" I've ever seen.

We wake up every morning and see them, we drive right past them on the way to Nicholas' school but be careful, if there is a building in the way you could totally miss them. However, they are a welcome reprieve from all the "flatness" here.

Yesterday we decided that after living here for 6 months we should go hiking at the Wichita Mountain Wildlife Refuge and you know what? It was so much fun.

The kids had a blast climbing up rocks and sliding down them, dodging poo and cactus and finding the perfect walking stick. Nicholas asked to go back today after school he loved it so much. I'm thinking this might become a weekly thing we do since there is nothing else to do in this godforsaken place, and the coolest thing of all is that it's only 20 minutes from our house.

Why I Love Google Reader

I was a little late getting on the Google Reader bandwagon, I've had a blog and been reading blogs for over 2 years now and in December I finally tried the reader. J has been using Google Reader for a looooong time and her biggest problem has always been that once you start using the reader you will stop commenting as much. I can definitely see how that could be possible so I didn't ever want to try it. I pride myself on my comments, I love getting comments and so I like to leave comments because if I like them then I'm sure you do too. Seems like sound logic.

So, I was hesitant to get it for several years but then I changed my email to gmail and there was this nifty little button I could get on my homepage and it said "Google Reader" and I thought it would look nice next to my nifty little Twitter button so I decided to try it out.

Sweet mother of God, I love Google Reader! I actually get everyone's blogs read in a decent amount of time, I also don't lose blogs because I didn't have time to check them out before you talkative little people decided to write another post. Before I was struggling to get everyone's blogs read and now that I've added my other blog I have a lot of new running blogs to read too, I was a little overwhelmed with it all. Now that I finally got with the times I can feasibly add probably 20 more blogs and still keep up. Maybe I comment less now but I read more so I think it all evens out in the end.

So, thanks, Google Reader, for allowing me to read more blogs and put off all the things I should be doing, you're a champ!

Happy New Year to you too.

Well, I'm back home, I got here on Friday after spending almost a week in Houston and few days in Fort Hood visiting J and family. All in all I had a really nice Christmas, Luis and I both got to see our best friends and Nicholas and Sophia got to see Princess. Houston was nice too, I got to go out to dinner with Kenny and Trish and I rang in the new year with my brothers and friends.

My mom ended up coming back to Fort Sill with us to spend the week so I'll probably still be scarce for awhile. I'm also going to be working on rearranging some things here at the house, the new year always makes me want to change things up.

Speaking of the new year, I wanted to share my resolution with you all: this year I want to be more active. I've been feeling super lazy and if I could just move around more I know it would help. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and hopefully I will get the okay to start working out. I haven't lost anymore weight but they say that it is fairly normal to not lose weight until I get my first fill, which is still 4 weeks away (unless my doctor changes his mind tomorrow). So, basically I could really use the workouts until I get filled so I can start losing weight again. I'm shooting for working out 3 days a week and then I'd like to move up to 5 days a week and my long term goal is to be running by 2010.

Wish me luck!

Mr. Jones and Me

My daughter's hair is so nappy she looks like Adam Duritz of Counting Crows. I'm not sure what is wrong with her hair that makes it knot up so easily but if I don't brush it several times a day she starts to get dread locks and makes me want to go to Jamaica and smoke.

That little anecdote has nothing to do with Christmas but I wanted to get on here and wish everyone a Merry Christmas just the same (or you know, whatever it is you celebrate).

We're going to be heading down to Tejas to celebrate with J and family tomorrow and then Saturday we'll mosey on down to Houston to spend some time with my family. It will most likely be after the new year before I get back on here so Happy New Year as well and I'll see you all again for my new year's resolution post.

Live long and prosper.

I put a ticker at the bottom of my blog for those of you that want to know how much weight I've lost even when I don't post about it. I'm going to try to update the ticker once or twice a week.

One Week!

Today was my one week post-op appointment with my doctor and things couldn't have gone better.

I have practically no pain at all (except when I lay on my port, that is still a little tender), all the steri-strips have come off and I am really pleased at how small my incisions are and they are healing great, I've lost 15 pounds since I started my liquid diet (2 weeks ago) and 7 of those pounds have been since surgery (1 week ago), and the best news of all: I can now eat normal foods.

I went in today expecting possibly mushy foods but my doctor said I can start eating normal foods. He normally waits till 10 days post-op but he said I was obviously doing fine so I could start eating at my discretion. Fucking awesome!

My weight loss will start slowing down now but that is a good thing because 15 pounds in 2 weeks is obviously too quick. The goal is about 1-2 pounds a week, that is healthy and steady weight loss.

After this post I'm going to try to keep the weight posts down to once a month, I have a paper that I am tracking my weight and measurements on and I will post when I do that to keep you all informed. You'll get a picture at 50 pounds, hopefully, you won't have to wait too long for that.

Lucy, I got some explainin' to do.

Since having surgery I think I realized for the fist time that what I did, having the Lap band procedure, would be considered drastic by most people. I know you're probably thinking that I'm crazy for just now having this thought but it really hadn't occurred to me as being drastic.

I started blogging again right before my surgery so I didn't really get to explain why I was able to go to such drastic measures without giving it much of a thought and I thought that maybe I should explain myself a little.

In my months away from blogging something happened that was pretty eye-opening for me, my mother was in the hospital. I know for those of you that read my blog before you're thinking, yeah she's been in the hospital a few times so what made this different? Well, this time something happened that none of us expected.

My mother has heart problems, lots of heart problems, she has high blood pressure, and she has an absorption problem where her body doesn't absorb certain minerals like it should; pretty much all of these problems are related to her being overweight her entire life. My mother takes about 30 pills a day just to keep her body functioning like a somewhat normal person.

This past year has been especially rough on her because she continues to go into A-fib (I can't even begin to spell out the whole word), where her heart beats erratically and makes her incredibly weak and oxygen starved. She had 2 cardioversions this year (where they take the paddles and shock your heart back into rhythm) and 1 other hospitalization where her heart went back into rhythm with medication.

After going into A-fib so often this year they decided to do a procedure called an ablation where they cauterize areas of her heart that are causing the arrhythmia. She went in for the procedure and we thought she would be up and about in a week or so, we were wrong. One of the medications they put her on for after the procedure caused her to go into kidney failure so her hospital stay was lengthened, they straightened out the medications and sent her home.

When she got home she wasn't getting better, in fact after a few days I got a phone call from her, she was pretty certain she was dying. My mother is 55 years old, my grandmother died at 56, this was a pretty scary concept for me to be dealing with especially since I had no warning from my family that she wasn't doing well. A few days later she ended up back in the ER and this time they said she had pneumonia, they put her on antibiotics and then sent her home, she still wasn't getting better. A few more days and back to the ER they found that she had fluid around her heart, they put her on a steroid and told her if it wasn't gone by morning she was going in for surgery. The next morning she was better, the fluid was almost completely gone and she could finally breathe again, it was finally over.

After the whole month that this all took place in my family was put through hell, my father was suffering trying to work as hard as he does and still make it to the hospital everyday, my brothers had to check on her constantly, my aunt pretty much lived with my mom during the whole ordeal and her other 4 sisters were all taking turns checking up on her. I pulled Nicholas out of school and spent a week down there helping her recover and the whole time I was just pissed off. You're probably wondering what this has to do with losing weight and why the hell I was so pissed, well, her weight problem was starting to affect a lot more than just her.

I was angry and I resented her for having to leave my husband and pack up my kids and drive 8 hours to take care of her, 2 of her sisters felt the same way I did and that was when I knew I was making the right decision getting the Lap band. I don't want to burden my family with my health, I don't want to take 30 pills a day, I don't want to be out of breath trying to walk down the hall and I really don't want to be fat.

What the fuck, Oklahoma!

What the damn hell!

When we moved here I asked everyone about the weather, does it snow? How cold does it get? Does it get really cold? Are you sure it doesn't snow?

You know what everyone told me? They said, no it doesn't really snow, it doesn't get that cold, seriously, it doesn't.

Okay, y'all, I'm from Texas, maybe you don't understand the term "cold" the way I do, it's fucking cold right now. When I wake up and my hand freezes when I touch the door knob to open the back door, that's fuckin' cold.

All I have to say is thank God we have a garage because I do not want to be scraping ice off my windshield every morning like Luis is doing, that shit sucks.

He wins, hands down.

While I was in the hospital Luis decided to do something that made him look like the best dad in the world. He does these things every so often and makes me feel like I'm a shitty mom but for some reason the kids continue to side with me on everything so, I guess I'm not doing too bad in their eyes.

Not only did Luis finish all the Christmas shopping for me but he also sat down with the kids and helped them write letters to Santa. I know to some of you this is a yearly ritual but this is the first year my kids have done this and not only did they write to Santa but Luis wrote these awesome letters back to them.


Santa's Workshop
North Pole

Dear Nicholas,

Thank-you so much for your letter! I always enjoy receiving letters and postcards from children all over the world! Mrs. Claus, the Elves, and all the Reindeer also love it when I read all the wonderful letters out-loud to them.

I just returned from taking my new sleigh on a test flight. Wow, what a ride! It zips through the air like a big red rocket. I bet I now can fly from the North Pole to yours and everyone else's house even faster this year!The reindeer like the new sleigh too. It comes with extra space so I can pack a big bag of reindeer treats. All that flying makes them especially hungry! Plus it comes with a stereo so I can listen to all my CD's.

The reindeer, especially Rudolph, insisted I tell you that they are all looking forward to landing on your roof soon. Do me a favor and be sure to leave some carrots for them (reindeer love carrots).

Thanks a bunch. I'll see you soon. Until then, be sure to behave, and go to sleep early on Christmas Eve.

Love,
Santa


Dear Sophia,

I have finished reading your letter. It was very nice! I know being good while you
are two is rough, you have done a good job. I hear that it has been cold there at
Fort Sill. You did not ask for any socks to help keep you warm though. So I guess
the Barbie and Bratz you want are pretty cool.

Continue to be a good girl for your mom and dad until Christmas. When I come with all my goodies I will make sure to leave something very nice for you. If you could try and remember that I like cookies and milk. Be sure to go to bed early on Christmas night so that morning will come faster.

Love,
Santa Claus


Aren't those the best? He went online for ideas of what to write. The kids are going to be so excited to get those letters back, I can't wait to read it to them.

Surgery was...

...well, it was surgery. I'm really sore, my back and neck hurt from the stupid hospital bed and I was starving until 10:00 this morning when I finally got to eat...well, drink. Chicken broth has never tasted so good nor filled me up so fast.

I'm home now and I'm going to go lay down, I just wanted to drop by and let you all know that surgery went fine and I'm doing okay.

This is the day.

Today is a big deal, a huge day, a turning point in my life.

Today is my surgery, today at 7:30 a.m. I will be changing my life forever.

As of today I will no longer have excuses, after today I will have a choice, do what I am supposed to do or suffer the consequences.

In the past week leading up to today I've had a feeling that my life will be forever changed, that nothing will be the same and that includes me.

I will be changing right before your eyes, not only physically but mentally as well. I've been overweight my whole life and when your self-image changes the person you are changes too. I'm excited about the change, I'm ready for it and I'm really glad to be here sharing it with you.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To J, with love.

Not to be outdone by you, I too decided to write you a farewell post in case I should die tomorrow during my surgery.

First I want to say that you are the closest thing to a sister I have ever had, only I think our bond is even more special because we chose each other. We don't always make sense and people think we are loony sometimes but I wouldn't have it any other way, we are special (yes, I mean the short bus kind of special).

There are a few other things I want to make sure you know if I should leave this world tomorrow.

1) Make sure Luis doesn't marry a skank, I know he'll remarry, he can't take care of himself. Just make sure she isn't some syphilis-carrying whore from the trailer park, and please make sure she has all her teeth.

2) Make sure Sophia gets on birth control and please have "the birds and the bees talk" with her, I wouldn't want that coming from Luis, he would be too embarrassed.

3) I want you to have my purses, I know you can appreciate them now, you came full circle, I'm so proud! I would give you my shoes too but that would be weird since we don't wear the same size.

4) Make sure Luis takes Pucca to the groomer at least once a month and gets bows put in her hair, she's a princess and she should look like one.

5) Make sure he bathes Susie and Dollar, I don't think he ever has and I'm not sure that he doesn't think they just clean themselves.

6) You and Luis fight my mom on this: I DO NOT WANT A FUNERAL! I think they are depressing and a waste of money, oh and I want my whole body donated, to a body farm if no one else wants it (Luis can have my eyes if he wants, don't ask, it's a long story).

7) Luis will be totally lost without me, give him a blowjob to cheer him up, please.

8) Don't worry, I'm not going to die tomorrow.

Yes, I am a dork!