Saturday, January 31, 2009

Confession Time

I've been really depressed the past 6 weeks or so, like seriously depressed. Some days I don't get dressed, I don't put on make up or do my hair, sometimes I even go several days between showers. I park my ass in front of the TV and just watch whatever is on, I haven't been cooking, my kids have been eating a lot of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and mac and cheese. I've pretty much turned into a shitty mom and a shitty wife. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere, I just want to sit and wallow in my own misery.

My husband is a big fan of tough love and he's been working on me getting out of my slump for awhile now, trying to get me to go to the doctor, meet some new friends, join a yoga class, anything but I wouldn't bite. I've been too depressed to show any kind of initiative.

The truth of it is that I am miserable here, there is nothing to do, I have no friends and I just want to move back to Texas...or anywhere that is not here. The problem is that we are stuck here for at least another year, maybe longer because Luis has a profile from the cancer. I can't be like this for another year, my kids and my husband deserve better than that so I guess I finally decided to get out of my slump.

Yesterday I applied to the university here in town and I finally feel excited about something. I thought back to January of 2007 when J and I applied to go to college at Fort Hood and I felt like it was going to take me forever to get my degree, I thought it would take me 10 years to get my bachelors degree but here I am, two years later, and halfway there. They have an art program at this school and besides one class, all I have left is art classes. I can spend the next 2 years doing art, something I really love, AND I can get my degree, I am beyond excited.

When I dropped out of college and got married when I was 20 I know my parents probably gave up on me ever graduating from college but I will be so proud of myself when I get my degree and I know they will be ecstatic too. I'm just happy that going to school still makes me happy.


Tara R. said...

I'm so sorry you've been feeling so bad. It's good though that you've found something to be excited about. Good luck with the classes, I hope you share some of your art work with us.

I am Trish Marie said...

First, if you put hot dog weinies and Tony's in the mac n cheese, it is almost like cooking.

Second, good for you that you found something you are looking forward to! Maybe this is exactly what you need. Hopefully you will get to meet some people while you are out taking classes. I am jealous of the art classes, by the way...

Sheri said...

How exciting to be going back to school. I know that when I returned after having my first daughter, I felt so empowered. It is also great to be at a different place in your life, a more responsible place, and going to school. I think you get so much more out of it. And art exciting!!! That is all I will have, too, once I finally go back...again :)

Dave said...

I think it is amazing that you are going back and doing this. It will change your outlook to be sure.
And Trish.....stay out of the kitchen and work on your wedding!

Betsey Booms said...

Hope you get out of your slump soon. It's hard.

Good luck with school!

zakary said...

Fucking Oklahoma. I lived there for years. Don't ask me how many, I couldn't tell you. Why? Because I was depressed. And drunk a lot.

I think school will be good for you, a nice diversion. The year will fly by.

Jennifer said...

I'm sorry you have been feeling this way. that sucks. i get there some times too, but i'm not always sure of the exact reason.. my mind is crazy and sometimes plays games with me... but anyway, I'm happy you are happy about going to school and it should make your time in HELL fly by. :) at least I hope it does.

and you know how you said that your kids and husband deserve better... just to let you know, you are right, but YOU also deserve better too! :)

xoxoxo love & hugs!

That Chick Over There said...

Oh sweets, I was 31 when I got my degree. I have faith in you!