Extra Motivation From My Scale

I'm fat, a lot of you already know this, I've lost 50 pounds but I still have a ways to go. I also have no problems posting my weight on here because I personally think that I look pretty damn good for 212 pounds (that's right, I said it).

I've been bouncing around between 209 and 212 for months now and it's driving me crazy. I know this is all because I haven't been making the best food choices or at least I haven't consistently been making good food choices.

This morning I got on the scale hoping for a little budge, I had a good run yesterday and even though I had a crappy dinner I was looking for fractions of a pound. What I got was 198.6!?! My scale is sometimes possessed by ghosts of smaller people. I knew this was wrong but I'm not gonna lie, looking down at that number is a lot better than looking down at my real number.

I stepped off and let it zero out again before stepping back on to see that I lost .2 pounds. That was good enough for me but it got me thinking about being under 200 and I think it gave me a little extra push to keep losing.

So, I'm going to work extra hard this week to eat right and I'm going to work out everyday and see where I am next week. Hopefully I'll be closer to 198.6 than I am right now.

What to do, what to do?

I've kind of stopped losing weight since I moved back here and I'm not entirely sure why. I'm pretty much eating the same and I'm still running around 10 miles a week. Apparently, I burned more calories than I thought standing at the bank?

Well, one of my neighbors stopped me yesterday and asked about being my running partner. The thing is, I could really use a running partner and I'm not exactly swimming in friends here but she is one of the neighbors that was really flaky before I moved. We actually had plans to do dinner at my place one Friday night and she just never showed up, nor did she ever talk about it. I guess she completely forgot?

I'm also a little wary because she is good friends with another neighbor and when they get together they like to act like their shit doesn't stink and that just really ticks me off because we all know if anyone's shit doesn't stink it's mine. Seriously though, they've never been mean to me but I've heard from a lot of the other women on the street that they can be a little rude.

Basically, I would love a running partner and another friend but I don't want any drama and I'm a little worried she carries drama with her where ever she goes. Sometimes the neighborhood wives can be a little like high school.

So, what do you think? Should I pursue this friendship?

Preview

So, it's been awhile since I did an update about how I'm doing since my surgery. For those of you that don't know, I had lap band surgery back in December. So far I'm doing really well.

I've completely changed my eating habits, I've totally cut out all carbonated beverages, I rarely eat bread and french fries make me hurl so I've pretty much cut those out too. I eat a lot of salad, fruit cups, yogurt, cooked vegetables and of course, I still reward myself with some Blue Bell ice cream.

My starting weight was 260 pounds, today I'm 217 pounds. My first goal is to reach 200 pounds, once I hit that then I will reevaluate where I'm at and set a realistic final goal weight. Regardless of what that number may be I'm trying to reach it by February or March so I can meet with a plastic surgeon to discuss my well-earned tummy tuck and breast lift with implants (this weight loss has really taken a toll on my chest).

I want to post a before and after picture on here when I reach my goal but I've somehow misplaced my before picture so hopefully I will find where I stored it before February rolls around. For now though, I can give you this:

January 2009 - 250 lbs

June 2009 - 220 lbs.

When I first started running I never expected to get something more than improving my physical health, I just did it because it's good for you and it burns a ton of calories. I've lost a lot of weight running but that's not even close to being my favorite part about running.

Every time I run I'm challenging myself and, even though I try to deny it, I'm a highly competitive person. I like to win but even more than beat someone else I like to beat myself. I love to improve who I am mentally and physically.

So, for me running is a way that I can improve myself and it gives me a definite goal to work towards. Every 5K I've done so far, I've beat my previous time, it makes me feel so good to know that I'm going out there and giving it my all.

Some days I feel like there is no way I can run what's on my schedule (like Tuesday, 6 miles, I don't know how I'm going to do it) but I always go out there and just do it. I feel such a sense of accomplishment after a long run like that and it makes me feel like I can do anything that I put my mind to.

I just want to keep pushing myself, I don't ever want to feel worthless like I used to ever again.

My thoughts

Colorado has the lowest obesity rate in the nation, so when Luis and I finally move to Colorado does that mean we will automatically become thinner?

I hope so!!!

T minus 37 pounds.

In a few minutes I'm going to try to hurt myself. No, not like that.

I got the idea from my beloved J, she hurt herself last week and I got to listen to her complain about it and it made me think, 'I want to hurt too.'

So, yesterday I went out in search of a workout video. I have Sophia with me during the day so I can't exactly go workout at the gym so I needed a way to workout from my living room, a workout video is just the thing.

I really wanted to find something like the Body Pump class I used to take at Gold's Gym but the selection here sucks so I ended up with some Shape (as in the magazine) video about having a bikini body all year long.

Hahahahahaha!

The only way I'm going to have a bikini body is with the help of some very skilled surgeons and a minimum of $50,000. But I'm going to try to make this video part of my Monday through Friday routine, I'm really trying to get to my first goal before I move to Houston.

I have 37 pounds to go and then I will consider my surgery a success, anything after that is just icing on the cake... a cake that I will not eat.

Today was never meant to be a good day...

... but this morning I woke up and got on the scale like I normally do and something miraculous happened. I weigh exactly what it says on my driver's license for the first time in 5 years.

Upon stepping off the scale and jumping for joy I remembered why today was not going to be a good day, despite my finally honest license. This morning was Sophia's VCUG, it's a test that mothers dread because they cannot sedate the child and you get to hold them down while they scream.

The test was just as horrible as I expected but I was prepared and managed to not cry (Luis, not so much, that's his little girl). The best part came at the end when the doctor said he saw no reflux and she won't need surgery. We were overjoyed, we took Sophia to get breakfast and then to Walmart to pick her up a toy for being such a big girl, and she was a big girl. I was surprised how well she handled it and so were the nurses and doctor, she was one tough chick.

On my way home from Walmart my day decided to turn again, the asshole cops here decided to set up a speed trap at the bottom of a hill with 5 of them working a rotation. Yay for me, I got a ticket which my husband so wonderfully informed me I deserved since I was speeding after all. Luckily, at that point I chose not to punch him and just drive home.

With the universe wanting to make sure my emotions were completely screwed with today, I checked our bank account and saw a very large some of money there. Yay for taxes, I paid every bill we had and the rest went to savings but I couldn't enjoy this to the fullest because I was still pissed that I got that fucking ticket!

I'm bracing myself for something horrible to happen now...and then something good...and then something bad...and then something good. Maybe the universe will think I've had enough today and just let me be, I guess only time will tell.

...and then I was stabbed repeatedly.

Yesterday was my first adjustment (fill) for my lap band, I had been looking forward to this for weeks because I haven't been having any of the benefits of lap band since the swelling went down after surgery (and by benefits I mean the full feeling after drinking 1/2 cup of water).


I haven't lost any weight in weeks, I haven't gained any either so I was trying to look at it as the glass half full but it was starting to wear on me. I lost 15 pounds, I didn't have surgery to lose 15 pounds! So, adjustment day was really exciting....until it happened.


The way it works is you go to fluoroscopy and the doctor uses the image to help guide the needle into your access port that it just under the skin. For some reason though he would go in straight and the needle would hit the hard plastic edge of my port, then he'd try again. After a few attempts he decided to forget the fluoroscope and just feel for the port, he did this by pressing on my port ...very, very hard! He still couldn't get it. Finally, after about 15 tries he hit the sweet spot and my poor belly was bleeding everywhere.


When he finally hit it he added more fluid and then they check to see if you can drink some barium and it will go down. Of course, mine did not go down and they had to lay me back down and access my port again (this time it only took 3 tries) and take some fluid back out. My stomach is so sore, not my actual stomach but the area around my port. I took a picture yesterday to show J so I'll just post it and you guys can see my mutilated belly (ignore the stretch marks, I've had 2 kids). It looks worse today because it's all bruised now and the funny thing is that the bruise is a perfect circle, the exact size of my port.

All those tiny dots are where they shoved a 14 gauge needle into me (the line at the bottom is just my scar though).

So, anyway now that I've had my horrific fill hopefully I will start losing weight again and this whole surgery will be worth it. Otherwise I put my life at risk for 15 pounds and that is just stupid.

One Week!

Today was my one week post-op appointment with my doctor and things couldn't have gone better.

I have practically no pain at all (except when I lay on my port, that is still a little tender), all the steri-strips have come off and I am really pleased at how small my incisions are and they are healing great, I've lost 15 pounds since I started my liquid diet (2 weeks ago) and 7 of those pounds have been since surgery (1 week ago), and the best news of all: I can now eat normal foods.

I went in today expecting possibly mushy foods but my doctor said I can start eating normal foods. He normally waits till 10 days post-op but he said I was obviously doing fine so I could start eating at my discretion. Fucking awesome!

My weight loss will start slowing down now but that is a good thing because 15 pounds in 2 weeks is obviously too quick. The goal is about 1-2 pounds a week, that is healthy and steady weight loss.

After this post I'm going to try to keep the weight posts down to once a month, I have a paper that I am tracking my weight and measurements on and I will post when I do that to keep you all informed. You'll get a picture at 50 pounds, hopefully, you won't have to wait too long for that.

Lucy, I got some explainin' to do.

Since having surgery I think I realized for the fist time that what I did, having the Lap band procedure, would be considered drastic by most people. I know you're probably thinking that I'm crazy for just now having this thought but it really hadn't occurred to me as being drastic.

I started blogging again right before my surgery so I didn't really get to explain why I was able to go to such drastic measures without giving it much of a thought and I thought that maybe I should explain myself a little.

In my months away from blogging something happened that was pretty eye-opening for me, my mother was in the hospital. I know for those of you that read my blog before you're thinking, yeah she's been in the hospital a few times so what made this different? Well, this time something happened that none of us expected.

My mother has heart problems, lots of heart problems, she has high blood pressure, and she has an absorption problem where her body doesn't absorb certain minerals like it should; pretty much all of these problems are related to her being overweight her entire life. My mother takes about 30 pills a day just to keep her body functioning like a somewhat normal person.

This past year has been especially rough on her because she continues to go into A-fib (I can't even begin to spell out the whole word), where her heart beats erratically and makes her incredibly weak and oxygen starved. She had 2 cardioversions this year (where they take the paddles and shock your heart back into rhythm) and 1 other hospitalization where her heart went back into rhythm with medication.

After going into A-fib so often this year they decided to do a procedure called an ablation where they cauterize areas of her heart that are causing the arrhythmia. She went in for the procedure and we thought she would be up and about in a week or so, we were wrong. One of the medications they put her on for after the procedure caused her to go into kidney failure so her hospital stay was lengthened, they straightened out the medications and sent her home.

When she got home she wasn't getting better, in fact after a few days I got a phone call from her, she was pretty certain she was dying. My mother is 55 years old, my grandmother died at 56, this was a pretty scary concept for me to be dealing with especially since I had no warning from my family that she wasn't doing well. A few days later she ended up back in the ER and this time they said she had pneumonia, they put her on antibiotics and then sent her home, she still wasn't getting better. A few more days and back to the ER they found that she had fluid around her heart, they put her on a steroid and told her if it wasn't gone by morning she was going in for surgery. The next morning she was better, the fluid was almost completely gone and she could finally breathe again, it was finally over.

After the whole month that this all took place in my family was put through hell, my father was suffering trying to work as hard as he does and still make it to the hospital everyday, my brothers had to check on her constantly, my aunt pretty much lived with my mom during the whole ordeal and her other 4 sisters were all taking turns checking up on her. I pulled Nicholas out of school and spent a week down there helping her recover and the whole time I was just pissed off. You're probably wondering what this has to do with losing weight and why the hell I was so pissed, well, her weight problem was starting to affect a lot more than just her.

I was angry and I resented her for having to leave my husband and pack up my kids and drive 8 hours to take care of her, 2 of her sisters felt the same way I did and that was when I knew I was making the right decision getting the Lap band. I don't want to burden my family with my health, I don't want to take 30 pills a day, I don't want to be out of breath trying to walk down the hall and I really don't want to be fat.

This is the day.

Today is a big deal, a huge day, a turning point in my life.

Today is my surgery, today at 7:30 a.m. I will be changing my life forever.

As of today I will no longer have excuses, after today I will have a choice, do what I am supposed to do or suffer the consequences.

In the past week leading up to today I've had a feeling that my life will be forever changed, that nothing will be the same and that includes me.

I will be changing right before your eyes, not only physically but mentally as well. I've been overweight my whole life and when your self-image changes the person you are changes too. I'm excited about the change, I'm ready for it and I'm really glad to be here sharing it with you.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

So much to do, so little time.

I have a whole boat load of things to do before my surgery Monday and I'm worried that I won't be able to get them all done.

I have to get the puppy to the vet for her next round of shots, I have to finish Nicholas' shepherd costume for the Christmas play at school, I have to get the Dish Network people out here to fix the dish in the kid's room, I have my pre-op appointment with my doctor, I have to take 2 tests for my history class, and I have to go to the hospital for 2 more blood tests on Sunday.

I can't believe that I'm having surgery in 5 days, I've never had any kind of surgery before, the closest thing was yesterday when they shoved a camera down my throat to look at my stomach. I'm really anxious, I just want to get it over with and start healing.

Pure hell starts tomorrow.

As of tomorrow morning I am on a purely liquid diet, clear liquids to be exact. I'm on this diet for a week straight then I'm having surgery.

I decided to post about this because it's a huge part of my life right now and will be forever. I know a lot of people disagree with what I'm doing and it can be somewhat controversial but I am doing it and I will not be ashamed of it.

So, what exactly am I having done?

I'm having the Lap Band procedure.

I've battled with my weight my whole life and I know when I need help, so I asked for help and got it. In the beginning I wasn't going to tell anyone about it, J and my husband would be the only people that knew. I was ashamed that I needed to do this to lose weight, that I wasn't strong enough to lose it on my own. I realized though that this is going to be a part of me and I can't be ashamed of myself.

I had thought about having Lap Band done a while back but I wasn't eligible for it because my BMI wasn't high enough so I pretty much forgot about it. I tried Weight Watchers instead to help me lose the weight. My success with Weight Watchers was short lived because I wasn't able to stick with the plan and so I went to my doctor.

My doctor visit turned out to have some very bad news for me, my blood pressure was high, very high and he wanted to monitor me more closely. Within a month I was put on blood pressure medicine, the same kind my mother was on. At the same time though my mom was in the hospital suffering from multiple complications from a procedure that was done on her heart. I was scared for her and I was scared for myself, 26 is too young to be having these problems and I didn't want to end up like her.

My high blood pressure actually made me a candidate for Lap Band now and so I decided to pursue it. So, a week from tomorrow begins a new chapter in my life, a new way of eating and a new resolve to make this time the time that works.