When I first started running I never expected to get something more than improving my physical health, I just did it because it's good for you and it burns a ton of calories. I've lost a lot of weight running but that's not even close to being my favorite part about running.

Every time I run I'm challenging myself and, even though I try to deny it, I'm a highly competitive person. I like to win but even more than beat someone else I like to beat myself. I love to improve who I am mentally and physically.

So, for me running is a way that I can improve myself and it gives me a definite goal to work towards. Every 5K I've done so far, I've beat my previous time, it makes me feel so good to know that I'm going out there and giving it my all.

Some days I feel like there is no way I can run what's on my schedule (like Tuesday, 6 miles, I don't know how I'm going to do it) but I always go out there and just do it. I feel such a sense of accomplishment after a long run like that and it makes me feel like I can do anything that I put my mind to.

I just want to keep pushing myself, I don't ever want to feel worthless like I used to ever again.

So much to do, so little time.

I have a whole boat load of things to do before my surgery Monday and I'm worried that I won't be able to get them all done.

I have to get the puppy to the vet for her next round of shots, I have to finish Nicholas' shepherd costume for the Christmas play at school, I have to get the Dish Network people out here to fix the dish in the kid's room, I have my pre-op appointment with my doctor, I have to take 2 tests for my history class, and I have to go to the hospital for 2 more blood tests on Sunday.

I can't believe that I'm having surgery in 5 days, I've never had any kind of surgery before, the closest thing was yesterday when they shoved a camera down my throat to look at my stomach. I'm really anxious, I just want to get it over with and start healing.

Pure hell starts tomorrow.

As of tomorrow morning I am on a purely liquid diet, clear liquids to be exact. I'm on this diet for a week straight then I'm having surgery.

I decided to post about this because it's a huge part of my life right now and will be forever. I know a lot of people disagree with what I'm doing and it can be somewhat controversial but I am doing it and I will not be ashamed of it.

So, what exactly am I having done?

I'm having the Lap Band procedure.

I've battled with my weight my whole life and I know when I need help, so I asked for help and got it. In the beginning I wasn't going to tell anyone about it, J and my husband would be the only people that knew. I was ashamed that I needed to do this to lose weight, that I wasn't strong enough to lose it on my own. I realized though that this is going to be a part of me and I can't be ashamed of myself.

I had thought about having Lap Band done a while back but I wasn't eligible for it because my BMI wasn't high enough so I pretty much forgot about it. I tried Weight Watchers instead to help me lose the weight. My success with Weight Watchers was short lived because I wasn't able to stick with the plan and so I went to my doctor.

My doctor visit turned out to have some very bad news for me, my blood pressure was high, very high and he wanted to monitor me more closely. Within a month I was put on blood pressure medicine, the same kind my mother was on. At the same time though my mom was in the hospital suffering from multiple complications from a procedure that was done on her heart. I was scared for her and I was scared for myself, 26 is too young to be having these problems and I didn't want to end up like her.

My high blood pressure actually made me a candidate for Lap Band now and so I decided to pursue it. So, a week from tomorrow begins a new chapter in my life, a new way of eating and a new resolve to make this time the time that works.