Music

Music has saved me more than once, it has pulled me out of my rut and made me feel alive again.

The best gift is finding a new artist that moves you, that lifts your spirits or that makes you want to just dance, no matter where you are. I love finding the perfect album, the kind you turn on and listen straight through, without skipping a song. I have an album like that right now and it's helping me out of my funk.

If you like awesome music too then you should really get Owl City's album, Ocean Eyes. It's upbeat but not in a cheesy annoying way, just listen to it, it's great.

There's Always Something

In my 27 years of existence I've finally learned something, there's always something. You see, I'm an eternal optimist and this was a little hard for me to grasp.

There are so many things I want to do, so many places to go, so much life to experience. When I was young I always wanted to make sure I had an exciting life, I didn't want a boring life like my parents. I think that's partly why I want to move to Colorado. Living in Houston like everyone else in my family is boring, I want to experience something different. It makes me sad when I think that my parents probably thought the same thing when they were younger, that a lot of people think that they want their lives to be exciting. Unfortunately, in a lot of cases life happens and the excitement never comes because there's always something. Things happen, we have responsibilities and our dreams and aspirations get put on the back burner.

I'm terrified that something will keep us from moving because life always seems to get in the way. We keep making plans and our plans keep getting thwarted by life. Life is a bitch...but I'm going to keep trying.

Hard Times

Lately, my luck has been less than stellar, much, much less. At times like these I can't help but reflect on what I've done in my life to deserve it. One of the great things that comes with being raised Catholic is even when you renounce your faith, the guilt continues. Catholics very much believe in "an eye for an eye" and "what goes around, comes around." So of course, as a Catholic, when anything bad happens you feel you "deserved" it.

I try to lead a good life, I try to treat people the way I would like to be treated. Lately, I've even tried putting myself in other's shoes before I judge them or their actions. I'm trying to be more forgiving and thoughtful. I try to give more of myself, my time as well as what I have to offer. I'm trying really hard to be a better person.

When things happen like what has happened over the last 2 weeks in my house, I can't help but think, 'I'm not doing good enough.' I feel like I'm being punished for bad things I've done, I know that sounds ridiculous, if someone told me that I would tell them they are crazy, bad stuff happens sometimes, that's life. But I can't seem to shake the guilt, like I need to make amends and this is my penance.

I hope that renewing my vow to be a better person is enough to change my luck because all this bad crap is getting kind of old.

The calm before the storm.

Right now things are really boring here, I know I always complain about how boring Oklahoma is but nothing is happening right now and I mean NOTHING! In this case it's kind of a good thing, pretty soon life is going to get really hectic.

Luis is about to get the ball rolling on some pretty serious stuff with his career, things that could completely change the course of our lives. We've had a plan since we got married about what we wanted to do, where we wanted to go in life and what we wanted to achieve. When Luis got cancer it threw everything out the window, we had to make a new plan but now we're starting to take scraps of that old plan and piece them together again.

We're taking chances with our way of life and that scares the crap out of me but we can't continue the way things are now, we hate it here and to potentially be stuck here for 10 more years makes us both contemplate suicide (that's a joke, we are not suicidal).

Our fingers are crossed that everything is going to work out the way we want it to but there are no guarantees. It feels nice though to finally be doing something about it rather than just complaining, I have a feeling though that everything is going to work out just fine and I really hope I'm right.

When I first started running I never expected to get something more than improving my physical health, I just did it because it's good for you and it burns a ton of calories. I've lost a lot of weight running but that's not even close to being my favorite part about running.

Every time I run I'm challenging myself and, even though I try to deny it, I'm a highly competitive person. I like to win but even more than beat someone else I like to beat myself. I love to improve who I am mentally and physically.

So, for me running is a way that I can improve myself and it gives me a definite goal to work towards. Every 5K I've done so far, I've beat my previous time, it makes me feel so good to know that I'm going out there and giving it my all.

Some days I feel like there is no way I can run what's on my schedule (like Tuesday, 6 miles, I don't know how I'm going to do it) but I always go out there and just do it. I feel such a sense of accomplishment after a long run like that and it makes me feel like I can do anything that I put my mind to.

I just want to keep pushing myself, I don't ever want to feel worthless like I used to ever again.

Lucy, I got some explainin' to do.

Since having surgery I think I realized for the fist time that what I did, having the Lap band procedure, would be considered drastic by most people. I know you're probably thinking that I'm crazy for just now having this thought but it really hadn't occurred to me as being drastic.

I started blogging again right before my surgery so I didn't really get to explain why I was able to go to such drastic measures without giving it much of a thought and I thought that maybe I should explain myself a little.

In my months away from blogging something happened that was pretty eye-opening for me, my mother was in the hospital. I know for those of you that read my blog before you're thinking, yeah she's been in the hospital a few times so what made this different? Well, this time something happened that none of us expected.

My mother has heart problems, lots of heart problems, she has high blood pressure, and she has an absorption problem where her body doesn't absorb certain minerals like it should; pretty much all of these problems are related to her being overweight her entire life. My mother takes about 30 pills a day just to keep her body functioning like a somewhat normal person.

This past year has been especially rough on her because she continues to go into A-fib (I can't even begin to spell out the whole word), where her heart beats erratically and makes her incredibly weak and oxygen starved. She had 2 cardioversions this year (where they take the paddles and shock your heart back into rhythm) and 1 other hospitalization where her heart went back into rhythm with medication.

After going into A-fib so often this year they decided to do a procedure called an ablation where they cauterize areas of her heart that are causing the arrhythmia. She went in for the procedure and we thought she would be up and about in a week or so, we were wrong. One of the medications they put her on for after the procedure caused her to go into kidney failure so her hospital stay was lengthened, they straightened out the medications and sent her home.

When she got home she wasn't getting better, in fact after a few days I got a phone call from her, she was pretty certain she was dying. My mother is 55 years old, my grandmother died at 56, this was a pretty scary concept for me to be dealing with especially since I had no warning from my family that she wasn't doing well. A few days later she ended up back in the ER and this time they said she had pneumonia, they put her on antibiotics and then sent her home, she still wasn't getting better. A few more days and back to the ER they found that she had fluid around her heart, they put her on a steroid and told her if it wasn't gone by morning she was going in for surgery. The next morning she was better, the fluid was almost completely gone and she could finally breathe again, it was finally over.

After the whole month that this all took place in my family was put through hell, my father was suffering trying to work as hard as he does and still make it to the hospital everyday, my brothers had to check on her constantly, my aunt pretty much lived with my mom during the whole ordeal and her other 4 sisters were all taking turns checking up on her. I pulled Nicholas out of school and spent a week down there helping her recover and the whole time I was just pissed off. You're probably wondering what this has to do with losing weight and why the hell I was so pissed, well, her weight problem was starting to affect a lot more than just her.

I was angry and I resented her for having to leave my husband and pack up my kids and drive 8 hours to take care of her, 2 of her sisters felt the same way I did and that was when I knew I was making the right decision getting the Lap band. I don't want to burden my family with my health, I don't want to take 30 pills a day, I don't want to be out of breath trying to walk down the hall and I really don't want to be fat.

This is the day.

Today is a big deal, a huge day, a turning point in my life.

Today is my surgery, today at 7:30 a.m. I will be changing my life forever.

As of today I will no longer have excuses, after today I will have a choice, do what I am supposed to do or suffer the consequences.

In the past week leading up to today I've had a feeling that my life will be forever changed, that nothing will be the same and that includes me.

I will be changing right before your eyes, not only physically but mentally as well. I've been overweight my whole life and when your self-image changes the person you are changes too. I'm excited about the change, I'm ready for it and I'm really glad to be here sharing it with you.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

To J, with love.

Not to be outdone by you, I too decided to write you a farewell post in case I should die tomorrow during my surgery.

First I want to say that you are the closest thing to a sister I have ever had, only I think our bond is even more special because we chose each other. We don't always make sense and people think we are loony sometimes but I wouldn't have it any other way, we are special (yes, I mean the short bus kind of special).

There are a few other things I want to make sure you know if I should leave this world tomorrow.

1) Make sure Luis doesn't marry a skank, I know he'll remarry, he can't take care of himself. Just make sure she isn't some syphilis-carrying whore from the trailer park, and please make sure she has all her teeth.

2) Make sure Sophia gets on birth control and please have "the birds and the bees talk" with her, I wouldn't want that coming from Luis, he would be too embarrassed.

3) I want you to have my purses, I know you can appreciate them now, you came full circle, I'm so proud! I would give you my shoes too but that would be weird since we don't wear the same size.

4) Make sure Luis takes Pucca to the groomer at least once a month and gets bows put in her hair, she's a princess and she should look like one.

5) Make sure he bathes Susie and Dollar, I don't think he ever has and I'm not sure that he doesn't think they just clean themselves.

6) You and Luis fight my mom on this: I DO NOT WANT A FUNERAL! I think they are depressing and a waste of money, oh and I want my whole body donated, to a body farm if no one else wants it (Luis can have my eyes if he wants, don't ask, it's a long story).

7) Luis will be totally lost without me, give him a blowjob to cheer him up, please.

8) Don't worry, I'm not going to die tomorrow.

Pure hell starts tomorrow.

As of tomorrow morning I am on a purely liquid diet, clear liquids to be exact. I'm on this diet for a week straight then I'm having surgery.

I decided to post about this because it's a huge part of my life right now and will be forever. I know a lot of people disagree with what I'm doing and it can be somewhat controversial but I am doing it and I will not be ashamed of it.

So, what exactly am I having done?

I'm having the Lap Band procedure.

I've battled with my weight my whole life and I know when I need help, so I asked for help and got it. In the beginning I wasn't going to tell anyone about it, J and my husband would be the only people that knew. I was ashamed that I needed to do this to lose weight, that I wasn't strong enough to lose it on my own. I realized though that this is going to be a part of me and I can't be ashamed of myself.

I had thought about having Lap Band done a while back but I wasn't eligible for it because my BMI wasn't high enough so I pretty much forgot about it. I tried Weight Watchers instead to help me lose the weight. My success with Weight Watchers was short lived because I wasn't able to stick with the plan and so I went to my doctor.

My doctor visit turned out to have some very bad news for me, my blood pressure was high, very high and he wanted to monitor me more closely. Within a month I was put on blood pressure medicine, the same kind my mother was on. At the same time though my mom was in the hospital suffering from multiple complications from a procedure that was done on her heart. I was scared for her and I was scared for myself, 26 is too young to be having these problems and I didn't want to end up like her.

My high blood pressure actually made me a candidate for Lap Band now and so I decided to pursue it. So, a week from tomorrow begins a new chapter in my life, a new way of eating and a new resolve to make this time the time that works.